I do hope this makes you chuckle. The fervor with which I attacked this problem was legendary and all consuming.

In a previous post, I shared that I have a problem with hoarding food. Not in the gross “Hoarders” TV show way of hiding it or stockpiling it (well, maybe stockpiling a little bit), or anything weird like that. I am not a “prepper” for Pete’s sake. I just HAVE to have my fridge and pantry full to bursting.

The Hoarding in my Past

As I look at my past, I apparently have hoarding in my genetic code. My Great Grandmother, “Granny”, was notorious for swiping each and every single-use jelly packet, syrup cup, and honey cup on the table at any dining establishment. They were all unceremoniously dumped into her handbag. And if the purloined condiments came in little glass jars, she was even MORE delighted with her score. She had an entire collection of them at her home. I can understand her obsession and her hoarding. She lived through the Great Depression as a young adult.

In all honesty, I did something similar when I was in college. When you are 17, and broke, and living in the dorms, a date night to Pizza Hut, of all places, was a big deal. I used to take the parmesan container from the table, and replace it with an empty one, taking the full one back to the dorm to use on whatever I happened to be cooking in my hot pot. Is this really hoarding, or just plain stealing?

Present Day Hoarding

I’d like to say, and believe, that a lot of the hoarding happened by accident. And honestly, some of it did. If you have been following along, you know that we moved 2 years ago to a smaller house that needed MAJOR renovation and repair.  It was pure coincidence that we ended up closing on the sale of our old house and the purchase of the new house on the same damn day. If I NEEDED to do that, you know it never would have happened. We honestly thought we’d be living in the old house while we began the renovations on the new one.

Well…THAT didn’t happen, and I ended up living in utter chaos for more than a year. I had no kitchen cabinets, so I had open shelving in several rooms of the house where I stored cookware, dishes, comestibles, and anything else you would normally find in an actual functioning kitchen. Before I tore out the cabinets, drawers were pulled from the kitchen and I continued to use them for storage on shelves. I couldn’t find a single fucking thing. See those pics above? THAT was my life for nearly a year.

When I was preparing to make a meal, if I couldn’t find an ingredient, I simply went to the store and bought what I needed (privilege of the middle class – yes, I know). Of course, I’d come home and then find what I needed. Too late! I already bought it. I guess I have 2 now…and the hoarding of ingredients began.

Then, dear friends of ours moved away from Vegas, and they dropped off several boxes of pantry items. I did give away more than half of the donations to a young friend who indicated that she needed it. And I gave away even more to a struggling family, but I kept some of it for myself…of course. And the hoarding of ingredients got worse.

Cleaning Reveals More than Expected

The other day I was in the pantry looking for something and found the telltale indications that I had a mouse in my pantry. Teeth marks on a bag of dried apricots (now destined for friend Kim’s chickens along with anything else the mouse got into) and a few little mouse turds. Then I got to thinking, “If that son of a bitch sampled one bag, you know he didn’t stop there.” I found it strange that the mouse went after ‘Nilla wafers, but didn’t touch my cereal, and didn’t touch ANY of the pasta or noodles or any of the Asian ingredients, like nori, dashi, or spring roll wrappers. Everything came out of the pantry. Literally everything got dusted, wiped down, inspected for predation, and expired dates, and then it was all reorganized.

Bins and airtight containers were purchased, washed, and filled. There was no fucking way that skeevy little vermin was getting at MY hoard of food! As I was attacking this task with gusto, I “found” things. Duplicates, triplicates, and quadruplicates of things. I must have been sleep-shopping, or fugue shopping when I ended up with some of this stuff in my cart! Here is a list of SOME of the weird shit I found while trying to exorcise the mouse:

• 3 quart sized bottles of apple cider vinegar with the “mother” – only one open *
• 4 bottles of Sherry vinegar – 3 of them open**
• 13 additional bottles of other assorted vinegars **
• An entire 16” cube bin full of different dried Asian noodles
• 14 bottles, of varying sizes, of olive oil **
• 10 cans of assorted beans – and I only really like cannellini beans (there were 5 of those)***
• 3 large bottles of Red Boat fish sauce*
• At least 4 different soy sauces
• Expired apple cider, cranberry juice, and V8 – tossed ***
• 3 small jars of cornichons***
• 7  jars of mustard**
• And the list goes on…

*“I can’t find it, so I’ll buy another” and found it when I got home.

**Some were gifts.

***But they were on sale!

In all fairness, most of the things I am hoarding are shelf stable with LONG expiration dates. Now, however, I am making it my mission to cook with ALL of this stuff because I can now actually FIND it! It only took two and a half years…

As for the mouse? I figured out how it was getting in. My pantry used to house my washing machine, and the mouse was coming up through the old drainpipe. I fixed that shit! I put one of the sealed bottles of soy sauce upside down in the hole. No more signs of the mouse.